When all hope is gone
When reflections are solely on the hind
Years gone by, caught in a numbing bottomless trail of what went wrong and why
When pain and regret become close companions; when talk is dominated by what could have been done differently
When “I wish” punctuates, as “If only” marks the open quote of every sentence
When tears stream down uncontrollably and hopelessness underlines the distinct make-up I adorn in
When anger and bitterness become staunchest of allies and vengeance a consuming confidant
When the sound of laughter irritates and life no longer makes any sense
When the heart wallows in deep anguish, violently shredded to uncountable minute particles
When body, mind, soul and spirit are solidly frozen in relegation helplessly resigned to fate
When time joyfully and insensitively ticks on and you know you are sorrowfully enduring your final moments
Of a life that never began in the first place
Dreams that faded away long before conception; A laughing-stock and an embodiment of shame
Darkness overwhelmingly engulfing like a huge Tsunami wave, pain without cure
And it hurts so much; that all hope is gone…
Days went by, each single one of them excruciatingly painful. Weeks came and went, calendar sheets flipped over as months turned to years…and it went on and on and on to a decade. One was bad enough, two unbearable, three a monument of disgrace. The possibility of a fourth, reminiscent to ‘stranger than fiction.’ But then mine was a true story. I lived every minute of it!
It is sad being in a terminal predicament; far much worse knowing help is this close yet beyond reach. It is heartbreaking knowing you will be on your own at that most crucial moment of need, when that magical spurt of encouragement would have made all the difference, vital to crossing the line. Knowing your fate is sealed thus. In a vicious circle the motions would go on and on to utter extinction. My story had many parts to it, all bad! The dense loneliness that characterized the baseline was probably the most harrowing feature of it all.
There was this occasionally visible yet overwhelmingly elusive ray of hope. From time to time, I watched others like me powerfully embraced in its momentary miracle, their misery swept away in an instant, never to resurface again. It was a tactical art of wit, calling for one to be at the right place, doing the right thing at the right time. The significant role this sync aspect played could not afford passivity. Yet it in my judgement it took something slightly above a miracle to have all three synchronized at that instant. The watchful eye and precise action of strategic support systems in addition came in handy to ensure concise action during that all decisive moment. But then I was on my own! I could only learn, for what reason, I had no idea. For it seemed the more I observed, the more I could do nothing about it. All that knowledge did nothing to dislodge me from my fix.
Yet something in me strongly burned with curiosity. By and by I progressively became convicted the secret lay with the source of the ray. At that vital moment of visitation, only one person would steal the show. I observed within the transaction the very heavy presence of the divine hand, an enigma, sovereign and beyond all human effort and readiness. It seemed motivated by mercy. There was no telling what would happen when this hand struck. Such times were marked with characteristic surprises in predictability far as who would take the day was concerned. It was a cause for the chosen. Might and speed had nothing to do with it.
As I lay on my bed of wretchedness, beyond redemption, my life flew across my eyes. I thought of my past actions that could have been the cause of my ugly predicament. It was a lesson learned a bit too late; one of sowing and reaping. I saw the many people who passed by, some very familiar by now and to whom I must have become a statute of hopelessness with time. I could not help it but wonder how well they were walking in understanding of the ’cause and effect’ rule. Strange how defining to the big picture small details tend to be-all the time! In my debilitated state, I now understood only so well the strong connection existing between moral health and that of the body. I only wished non of those passing by would be so blind as to join me at the pool side. I was in regret, again a bit too late. There were times just like most of them I had stood robust, my days filled with promise. Sky was not the limit. All that was in the hind now.
There is a reason I talked of the strong influence of the divine hand, why I talked about it having a strong mercy factor. And why it takes more than a miracle to have the interplay between the where, when and what in perfect sync at the moment of rising to the occasion. If there was a day I saw the personification of irrelevance,it was that eventful mid-morning as the gentleman stood next to me. Standing next to me was hilarious but talking to me was an experience out of this world! This was the break I had waited. A first time and the missing link! If only he could be willing to stay longer!
My heartbeat went on the rampage as I prayed for the ray of hope to smile at me while simultaneously explaining to my unexpected guest it was his delay that had me stuck here for such a long time. I elaborated further my predicament had been largely reinforced by lack of support systems unlike the rest in the queue which meant there was no one on my side when I needed one for the curative super dive. I desperately pleaded with him to stay with me a while longer.
Just then I heard him tell me to take a walk. It was a potent declaration I didn’t see come. I didn’t have time to pull myself together or process what was going on. It was all happening too fast! A powerful wave swept over me. I have no idea how it happened! I just found myself on my twos. How could what I was unable to do for the last thirty-eight years be all possible in an instant? Just because someone had asked me to take a walk?! Besides it was highly unlikely unless I was dreaming to be of sound health without the due procedure of the super dip. It suddenly hit me I was not dreaming. I was standing right at the centre of the most incredible moment of my life time. I felt my spirit rise as the hoisting of a mighty banner on a grand hill. The scales fell from my eyes and was in awe of the glorious sight before me, the ray of hope incarnate! He was the undisputable sight of one before all things. His face shone like the sun, his eyes like a blazing fire. I felt my soul submerged in a mighty wave of healing that flooded my spirit with joy inexpressible. My entire being was bubbling with hope, threatening to rapture my chest.
I was looking at my life through a new lens, timeless…endless…magnificent! I felt grounded, fixed and restored. I knew at that moment I was not alone but with one so personal and true.I felt my numerous heart particles respond to his magnetic pull of love. Non of them was left out-of-place! He was holding me together! My life was only beginning; I was sprinting in youthful zeal,faster than the cheetah,roaring louder than the lion… a winner; on the wings of the Eagle! As my foot went airborne for the first step in years, I knew it was to destiny.
“One more thing son,” I paused to look back, noticing for the first time the gold sash across his chest.
“You don’t want worse trouble coming your way! Stay in the light.”
I raised my hand in full salute, in allegiance to Alpha the Majestic.
©The Blazing Trail 2012
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